Personal Coaching

11 Mar 2019

Does the Modern Woman Need a Man?

Traditionally, men were the breadwinners and women stayed home to take care of the home and children. Gender roles were clear and as long as each partner fulfilled their role, there was harmony in the relationship. So does the modern woman still need a man?

Women today are more educated than ever before, but are we necessarily wiser? We are more privileged than any generation before us, yet we seem to find it difficult to sustain happy, healthy relationships. There are talks and workshops and support groups available for women empowerment and the majority of western women have discarded the aprons, perfectly coiffed hair and immaculately kept homes for a career, success and independence.

While the traditional woman looked for a man who was strong, responsible and a good provider; women today are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. So does the modern woman even need a man? Of course we do! Every person, woman or man, wants to feel the special bond with one person that you sincerely love and adore. We want to navigate life with someone who can share the happy times and be present for us during the challenging times.

So why then do so many smart, independent, successful women find themselves alone? Could it be that we lost sight that feminism is about an EQUAL right to education and opportunities and have become extreme in our expectations of men? Extreme feminist groups tear men down while building women up. We talk about the “battle” of the sexes. We cannot put men down and expect them to do better. We also cannot expect the man of today to pay for the sins of all men of the past.

A woman caught her boyfriend in a car with another woman. She confronted him and as he got out of the car to talk to her; she ran him over with her car. The video was posted online and hundreds of women responded by applauding her behaviour. Most said that he got what he deserved. Some suggested that they would do a lot worse if their partners cheated. As hurtful as it is to be cheated on; can we honestly condone running a man over with your car? If a man did this to a woman, would we applaud his behaviour?

So perhaps it time we looked at relationships in a whole new light. While the traditional roles are no longer acceptable, it seems that the “masculine” modern woman is also not an option.

My challenge to every strong, successful woman that is alone, is to be brave enough to ask yourself the deeper questions. Am I so powerful that I’ve lost touch with my feminine side? A man does not want to be in a relationship with one of his “buddies”. Have you created such a comfortable, independent life that there’s no room for a man? Will he feel that he’s not needed in your presence? Do you want to pay the bill even when he’s asked you out on a date? Do you do it because you don’t want to “owe” him or because you want to show that you can take care of yourself? Do you often say to your friends that there aren’t any good men left? Are you so extreme that you have to display your sexuality? Promiscuity may get a man’s attention, but it doesn’t get his heart.

If any of this resonates with you then it’s time to find a balance. Relationships today, the successful ones at least, are about partnerships. There is an equal exchange of energy. If we have high expectations, it’s because we have a lot to give. We want someone who complements us. Masculine energy finds feminine energy attractive.

Two partners in a business are not identical. One may be the innovator and the other may be the marketer or the face of the business. They complement each other and work together to create a successful business. Likewise, in a relationship, a partnership does not mean that everything has to be exactly the same. If one contributes more financially; perhaps the other contributes more with time for the home and family. One may be a good cook and perhaps the other is great at gardening. If together you can create more than you can each create on your own; then that’s a great partnership. We need to create win-win partnerships; not win-lose. When both partners feels needed, acknowledged, loved and respected; then the relationship and the individuals can flourish.

Kas Naidoo – Relationship Coach and Matchmaker

www.nextlevelup.co.za

1 Mar 2019

Are you Communicating but not Connecting?

Today, more than ever, with our smart phones, communicating with a large number of people; is ridiculously easy. But are we actually connecting with people on a deep level? As human beings, we all need connection, not just in the business world or personal relationships, but on a much deeper soul level.

Now I must first say that I love technology and innovation. I see it as a solution to some of our larger challenges. However, just like too much good food can create health issues, too much technology can create isolation.

As a relationship coach and matchmaker, I advise my single clients to get to know a new person by meeting them face to face. When you’re texting someone you don’t already know, miscommunication is easy. You cannot read their expression or see the spark in their eyes and a slight smile to indicate they’re teasing and not being serious. Or perhaps the frown when they’re not quite agreeing with us.

It’s also easy to set up false expectations. If someone is good at language and uses just the right words to tell you that you’re special and gets into detail about how amazing they are and that they will treat you like a queen; it’s easy to have extremely high expectations. But as weeks go by and all you’re getting are text messages, mostly late at night; it could mean that one or both of you are just bored and this is a way to live an exciting, but total fantasy. If you meet a few weeks down the line and realise you have no chemistry or attraction, then you would have wasted a lot of time that you could have spent connecting with someone you actually find attractive. I’m not saying that connection is merely physical attraction, but it is an essential component; together with a connection of mind and heart.

Let’s take 2 scenarios. In the first, someone contacts you on social media or a dating app, asks for your number and you start texting. You’re asking questions to and fro and enjoying getting to “know” each other. But as the days turn into weeks and you still haven’t met, the interest and excitement starts to wane. In the second scenario, when you give someone your number, they call you (at a reasonable hour and not in the middle of the night). After a telephonic conversation, where you find the conversation fairly easy, they ask you on a date. You meet for a coffee or lunch and now you know whether the chemistry between you is real or not. If it is, you set up the next date. If it’s not, you haven’t wasted too much time.

In this world of texting, where chivalry is rare, both men and women have lots of choices. The man who is still the gentleman and asks the lady he is attracted to, on a date; behaves like a gentleman and doesn’t bring up the topic of sex on the first 3 dates; certainly stands out from the rest and will most likely “get the girl”. If you are looking for a “hook up”, then none of this matters, but if you’re looking for a meaningful relationship with a quality man or woman; then take the time to really get to know the person.

We seem to be so caught up in the busyness of life, that we’ve forgotten the joys of courtship. Getting to know a new person is the most exciting part of a new relationship. Assuming you know someone after a few days of texting is a big mistake and you are missing out on this exciting stage. Meeting the same person in different settings, allows you to observe them and really get to know the person for who they are, what they stand for, their beliefs, their dreams and their fears. It is a wonderful journey of discovery instead of a Q and A on your phone.

So ask yourself, what would you prefer? Let’s ditch convenience for genuine experiences. If there’s someone that has caught your eye, chances are he or she has caught the eye of many other possible partners. How are you going to stand out? An emoji of a rose does not equal a real rose. Talk is cheap and telling someone how you will treat them cannot hold a candle to showing them. The age old adage “actions speak louder than words” still holds true. Let’s actually take that walk together; go for that drive with no destination in mind; cook your favourite meal for someone to show them you’re actually are willing to make the effort; and all the while, the conversation turns to genuine connection, which let’s admit, we all deep down, really crave.

Kas Naidoo – Relationship Coach and Matchmaker

www.nextlevelup.co.za

10 Jan 2019

Debunking the Soulmate Myth

The idea that there is one perfect person for each one of us, is too alluring not to consider. We wonder who they are; when we will meet them; we wonder if the one we’re with is our soulmate. We expect them to be perfect; to read our thoughts and complete our sentences. The fact that most people never experience this kind of relationship does not deter us from searching for “The One”.

This search for the one perfect person; could be the very reason so many people are alone or unhappy with their partners. If we’re searching for the myth, we could miss the person that is right for us, who may be right in front of you. We have an expectation that this one special person is going to understand us perfectly; want exactly the same things that we do; have the same beliefs and always agree with us. This kind of relationship not only doesn’t exist; it would be inordinately boring. Imagine being in a relationship with someone who is exactly like you.

We need to first accept that we are meant to learn and grow throughout our lives. We are here to become the best version of ourselves and fulfil our purpose and potential. So the right partner is the one that will inspire, challenge and support you to fulfil your destiny. A soulmate will trigger your healing. They will reflect to you both your light and dark sides; and yes, we all have both. If we deny our dark side it rises up in unconscious behaviours, addictions and self-sabotage. If we want to prove to the world that we are only good, then we cannot heal the aspects of ourselves that are in pain.

While soulmates definitely exist and give us a sense of belonging and being deeply loved and understood; neither they nor us are perfect human beings meant to complete each other. You can only become whole by acknowledging and accepting all aspects of yourself and no other person can make you whole. We need to understand that just as we have our flaws; our soulmate will have their flaws too. A truly healthy relationship means seeing each other for who you truly are rather than what you wish the other person would be. Putting the expectation of perfection upon another person, always leads to disappointment when we begin to see their imperfections. A soulmate compliments you, but will never complete you.

The next myth is that you are meant to be together forever. Your soulmate is here to activate your soul. They help you align with your highest self and serve your purpose in the world. Some stay for a lifetime; some are there to help you move your life in a new direction; some are there to bring a child into your life and some may touch your life in a profound way just for a moment. Soulmates are not just romantic partners. They also come in the form of a friend, relative, spiritual uplifter or work colleague.

If you feel that the person that you are in a relationship with is your soulmate; don’t take it for granted. Nurture the relationship. Do the work that is required to sustain a happy, healthy relationship. Acknowledge and appreciate them for the value that they add to your life. Love is a choice. That is one of the most profound lessons I’ve ever learned in my years of researching love and relationships.

Once you’ve chosen a partner that you want to be with; make the decision to love them. They will have their strengths and some amazing qualities; but they will also have their weaknesses and some annoying qualities. Love them anyway. Your experience of the relationship is in your hands. If you choose to withhold love when they are not what you want them to be; you will experience separation, pain, anger and anxiety. If you make the choice to love them despite their flaws; you will know unconditional love. The choice is yours. If you give 60%, you will experience the relationship as mediocre. If you choose to give 100% you will experience love in its fullness and glory. Again, the choice is yours.

A soulmate will challenge you to be your best self in a way that is uplifting and supportive; not in a way that undermines or smothers you. Relationships are meant to help you know yourself as much as you get to know the other. If you consciously observe your own behaviour; you will be able to enhance your best qualities and transcend your darker qualities. You can choose to evolve into the best version of you. A soulmate will always see that best version and inspire you to become it.

14 Nov 2018

Do You Fall for Potential Rather than Reality?

Are you constantly attracted to “fixer-uppers”? Perhaps he’s in the process of a really bad break-up and tells you all the stories of how badly he was treated. Or maybe he’s just lost his job and he tells you how unfair his employer was. Or maybe it was a huge business deal gone wrong and now he’s in debt.

In all these scenarios, they are always the good guy and someone else has done them wrong. If you’re an empath; which means you easily tune in to someone else’s mental or emotional state; you have a tendency to fall for the stories. You feel that you want to rescue this person from all the bad people in his life.

He only talks about all the wonderful things he did for his partner; but he was unappreciated, unloved and scorned by his partner. He will tell you how efficient he is at his job; that he knows more than anyone else in his field; but his boss was mean and manipulative and threatened by his expertise.

This works the other way as well; where a man becomes the rescuer to a woman who has been in one bad relationship after another. She is the victim and you are the knight in shining armour that will save this poor creature from all the demons in her life.

Now, while I am fully aware that there are many people in abusive situations who don’t have the means or the tools to get themselves out of truly horrendous circumstances; this article is meant for people who have a choice and are capable of taking care of themselves; but choose to use their circumstances to get the attention of a rescuer. In other words, they play the victim. In this article, I am addressing the rescuer.

We need to get real and ask ourselves why we do this time and time again. One of the reasons, is that we have an ideal in our minds of this perfect person and we project that image onto the people we meet. So we see their potential; we see what they could become in the future. We blame their partners or their bosses for having treated them so badly. We feel that with our support and nurturing, they will blossom into their true potential.

The sad truth, is that after devoting months or even years into nurturing their “potential”; you begin to realise that they are simply repeating their patterns with you as their new partner or with a new boss in a new job. You end up feeling drained and cheated out of years of your life; when you could have been building a strong, healthy relationship with someone you truly deserve.

So how do you spot the difference between an energy vampire and a well-adjusted adult? From the energy vampire, you’ll hear why they didn’t succeed and it’s always 100% someone else’s fault. A well-adjusted adult is not perfect. They have had their share of life’s challenges; but they take responsibility for their problems as well as finding their own solutions. They will not be looking for a new partner in the midst of their problems to support them through it. They will first resolve their issues. Learn from their mistakes; take the time to heal, before looking for a new partner.

They will also have a clear picture of what they have to offer in a new relationship. While we all need love and support during trying times; as adults we need to step up and take responsibility for our circumstances. Only then do we grow into our own potential. We observe how we contributed to the problem. We learn the lesson and consciously choose to make the changes so we do not re-create the same circumstances. If we believe that we are completely innocent and the other person is completely guilty, then we give them all the power. We can only change what we claim as our responsibility. None of us are perfect; but if we are living consciously, we are constantly learning from life’s challenges and becoming better versions of ourselves.

So if you find yourself recuing yet another person; perhaps it’s time to stop and ask yourself why you’re stuck in an unhealthy pattern. Could it be that it’s easier to fix someone else’s problems than it is to face your own? Do you feel fulfilled when you can rescue someone else? Does it make you feel superior?

Broken people attract other broken people. Well-adjusted adults attract other well-adjusted adults. The choice is yours. Become the person you want to attract.

Kas Naidoo – Relationship Coach and Matchmaker

kasturi@telkomsa.net

14 Nov 2018

Been Ghosted? Who Do You Call?

You met a great person. You’ve dated a few times and you’ve been texting regularly. You seem to be into each other and suddenly, for no apparent reason, he/she disappears. Total silence. You’ve been ghosted! It seems to be part of the landscape of modern dating.

It’s frustrating and downright rude. Most people need to know why it happened. You call up your friends and together you try to analyse what went wrong. You send endless texts asking if he is alright or asking for an explanation.

Both men and women do it and it comes down to a lack of proper communication skills. It’s also the mark of a selfish person who doesn’t really care about the impact of their actions on another.

Unfortunately, ghosting is becoming more common and we need to learn how to deal with it. Firstly, stop trying to analyse why someone ghosted you and stop making excuses for them. Maybe they are really busy at work. Maybe they are not well. Maybe they got hit by a bus. It’s really not your job to figure it out. As much as we want to understand; it’s wasted energy to try to control someone else’s behaviour. Your time and energy is better spent healing from the situation and moving on.

Firstly, neutralise the situation by not giving in to the emotions of anger, sadness or worse still, plotting your revenge. The conversations in your head about what you will say when you see them again are not serving you. Neither are the thoughts that maybe there’s something wrong with you. “Why do I always attract people who vanish?” “Are there any good men out there?” “Maybe I’m meant to be alone.” These thoughts create a negative field around you and you end up attracting more ghosters.

If you want to change the pattern; there’s nothing better than self reflection. If we go through life blaming others 100% for what happens in our lives; we don’t take responsibility for ourselves and therefore we don’t grow into our potential. Now I’m not saying it’s your fault you were ghosted; I’m saying that self development is key to you living your best life.

Allow yourself to feel the emotions but give it a time limit. One hour or one day. You don’t want to spend weeks or months moping over someone who is not worthy of you. Then make a decision to move on but with more clarity about what you have to offer in a relationship and what you are looking for in a partner. Get excited about moving on and finding true love.

Get rid of the emotional charge. Be radical – you’re lucky that he showed you early on that he’s not worthy of your time and energy. Be grateful that he has given you greater clarity about what you are looking for in a partner. Say thank you that you now have greater emotional resilience and you are a better version of yourself. Now you are better prepared for the right partner. You will be able to state early in a new relationship that you prefer open communication.

When we are direct and assertive in our communication, we command respect. If the ghoster comes back weeks later with a text that says “Hey, hw u doin?”; you get to decide if you want to respond or not. If you do, make sure you’re upbeat and focused on yourself. If he asks you out again, ask him to call you as there’s something you’d like to clear up. If he does, make sure to be polite but very direct. “I really thought we were having a great time and I liked you; but I cannot respect a person vanishing without any explanation. If you say you’ll call and you don’t, that shows a lack of integrity and my time is valuable.” This gives him the opportunity to step up. If he genuinely apologises and takes responsibility for his behaviour; it’s up to you whether you believe him and want to give him another chance. However, if he gets defensive; acts like it’s no big deal and makes it seem like you’re over-reacting; you know for sure this relationship is bad news. The way he handles this situation is the way he will handle any situation of conflict.

Remember, ghosting doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you; it means that this is not the person for you. When we make the internal shift, we start attracting a different type of person. Move on and have fun in the process of finding your ideal partner. Everyone deserves happiness and healthy relationships are possible when you learn how to create them.

Kas Naidoo – Relationship Coach and Matchmaker

kasturi@telkomsa.net

26 Oct 2018

Plan Your Marriage Before You Plan Your Wedding

So you asked her to marry you and she said YES! The euphoria of meeting the “one” and falling in love is contagious. Everyone loves love. Your family and friends are all excited and happy for you. Plans for the big day are underway. The perfect venue, the guest list, beautiful clothes, the menu, décor and flowers are planned in minute detail. Everything has to be perfect….. but WAIT! The wedding is for one day; what happens thereafter?

As kids we read the fairy tales that tell us that the prince finds his princess; they fall in love and live happily ever after. Somewhere in our subconscious mind, we have the expectation that this is exactly what will happen for us. The worldwide divorce rate of 53% tells us otherwise.

The first challenge often occurs while planning the wedding. It’s not just the bride and groom that may have different expectations of what the wedding should look like; the parents often have different ideas as well. More so if there are religious differences or family traditions that certain members of the family want to uphold.

Further challenges occur when deciding where to live, what financial contributions each partner should make; who does the cooking and who washes up? It escalates when the kids arrive as the responsibilities become greater and you don’t have the carefree life you had when your relationship began.

I’m not saying this to scare you, but rather to impress upon you the importance of planning your marriage. We are not taught how to be a good husband /wife. We are not taught how to communicate our needs to our partner in a way that gets our needs met rather than resulting in conflict. We are also not taught how to handle our differences and negotiate so that both partners feel that they have won.

Most adults today are independent and self-sufficient. They are not looking for someone to take care of them but rather someone to share their life with. As a result of this independence most people know exactly what they want and some even feel entitled.

If you interview for a job, you need to provide a CV that details your qualifications, experience and talents. The employer wants to know what you have to offer. The majority of the interview is to see whether you’re the right candidate for the job and only the last portion is focused on what you want, ie. salary and benefits. But when it comes to marriage we seem to do the opposite. Most people are crystal clear about what they want from their partner and focus a lot less on what they have to offer.

If you’re considering marriage; I strongly urge you to take some time and each of you compile a list of what you have to offer in the marriage. What kind of spouse do you want to be? Do you want to be loving, supportive, responsible, a provider, a good parent, an example to your kids? Decide on how you would like to experience your relationship. A person who gives 50% because they are too afraid of getting hurt by giving all of themselves will have a 50% experience. A person who decides to give 100% will experience that relationship in its fullest potential.

The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships, so take some time to nurture and grow yourself so that you can be your best in a relationship.

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who is really needy or demanding? Then you must know how draining a relationship like that is. After a few hours with them, you feel like you’d rather jump off a bridge! This means that the person wants more than they have to offer. They are taking more energy than they are giving. So don’t be that person. When we give openly, our partner feels energised in our presence. Decide what you have to give and offer that to your partner and watch them respond by giving so much more to you in return.

Relationships are easy when you learn the basic skills that are required to create a deeply loving, mutually beneficial relationship. In a healthy relationship, both partners feel that they have gained something immeasurable by being with their partner. The two of them together are more than each of them on their own. Healthy, happy relationships don’t just happen; they are created.

Kas Naidoo – Relationship Coach and Matchmaker

www.nextlevelup.co.za

26 Oct 2018

Why People Cheat

This is a delicate topic that is not often handled delicately. Firstly, we are not taught how to create healthy, happy, mutually beneficial relationships. Then when we encounter problems within that relationship, we don’t have the tools to resolve our differences for the greater good of all concerned. In some cases, when conflict cannot be resolved, the relationship either ends or one or both partners may seek solace with another person.

Affairs are commonplace today and lead to pain and devastation for all concerned, whether you are the one who cheated or the one who was cheated on. There is always shame and guilt for the betrayer and hurt and humiliation for the betrayed. Perhaps if we have the deeper conversations and create our relationships consciously, rather than by default; we can actually prevent affairs from happening.

We live in a world where most people wear two faces; one for the public and another behind closed doors. Couples become isolated. So even when we have serious problems in our relationships; we don’t address this because we want to show the world that we are perfect. We post pictures on Facebook about places we’ve visited and anniversaries we’ve celebrated. The result of us not being willing to have the deeper conversations and ask for help has resulted in a divorce rate of over 50%. That does not count couples who are living together and then break up due to an affair. While it’s not a part of the statistics; it’s no less devastating.

Now while I don’t, under any circumstances, condone affairs; we must be open enough to look at it from both perspectives. Society, as a blanket rule, sees the one having the affair as the perpetrator and the one being cheated on as the victim. I don’t believe it’s as simple as that.

When two people meet and fall in love; they are in a euphoric state and live in a perpetual state of bliss. They see the best in each other; acknowledge each other and appreciate everything their partner does for them. They find ways to show the other how loved and adored they are.

This euphoric state, however, cannot last forever. When the couple get into a committed relationship, the energy then shifts to expectation. The shift is most often unconscious; triggered by the demands of life as we know it. Bills need to be payed; the house needs to be cleaned; the kids need to be taken care off. There’s less time for romance and really seeing your partner and we all have a need to be seen, acknowledged, loved and appreciated.

When one or both partners start to feel invisible or taken for granted, they look to fulfil this need elsewhere. Affairs are less about sex and more about wanting to feel desired, alive and vital. It’s about being seen again and feeling a connection with oneself and another. Most people that have affairs do not intend to hurt their partners. They often do not even want to leave their partners; but the desire to feel alive again makes them step in a direction that they themselves thought they would never do.

So what constitutes cheating? Some people have relationships with people over social media and form an emotional connection, but will deny that it was an affair because you never met. Some people say, “It was just sex. It didn’t mean anything.” A simple rule would be that if you have to keep the relationship a secret, you know you are outside the boundaries.

Relationships are subjective. There cannot be one magic formula that makes all relationships work. There are no 7 steps to living happily ever after. If both partners want to consciously create a healthy, happy relationship and you invest the time to protect, nurture and grow that relationship, it can most certainly last a lifetime. We have to be willing to put in the effort with our partner instead of putting in the effort with someone else.

We can have many relationships with the same partner. When you first meet, your relationship is about fun and romance and getting to know each other. When you decide to commit to each other, you begin a new relationship with each other that now includes the responsibilities of sharing a home. When you have children, you begin yet another relationship with the same person that now includes parental duties. When your kids leave home, you begin another relationship.

If you come together at the start of each stage and re-negotiate the relationship to see what worked in the last phase and how you can keep the love, appreciated and aliveness while moving on to the next phase; you are actively creating an epic relationship together. You choose each other over and over again.

If you’re in a relationship, I challenge you to make one small change and see the results for yourself. Take a look at all that your partner contributes to your relationship and start acknowledging them for it. Say “thank you” more often, but say it because you really mean it and feel grateful for their presence and contribution to your life. One simple change can cause a huge shift in the right direction.

Kas Naidoo – Relationship Coach and Matchmaker

www.nextlevelup.co.za

13 Mar 2018

Want to hit Reset on your Life?

In the eye of a storm, have you ever felt like hitting a reset button on your life and just starting over? Have you ever got to a point where nothing made sense anymore and you simply wanted to wipe the slate clean? Have you ever made a colossal mistake and wished you could hit “delete”?

Perhaps we cannot undo the past; but we can certainly make better choices today that will lead to better outcomes. When we take an experience that has left us hurt and feeling vulnerable; we heal by finding meaning in that experience. I’ve met hundreds of people who, in the throes of divorce and so enveloped in the pain, that they cannot even begin to imagine a life beyond that. Yet, in a few months, perhaps a year or two, they meet someone really incredible and look back at the divorce in gratitude. Had that not happened, they would not be experiencing this soul enhancing relationship now.

It’s exactly the same when someone loses a job or a business fails. We have a choice to either give up; or we can take the lessons and create something better; something more in tune with who we have become.

Whether we like it or not; whether we believe it or not; life causes us to learn, grow and constantly become better versions of ourselves. Who you were at 20 is a far cry from who you are at 50. Our greatest challenges are our greatest teachers. However, learning can be easier if we choose to live more consciously.

What do I mean by that? When we experience a challenge, let’s say your partner cheated on you; and you remain in the space of blaming them for your unhappiness and pain; you are not learning the lesson. Unfortunately, you may attract a new partner who seems amazing at first, who may do exactly the same thing to you down the line. Your second opportunity to learn. Ever wondered why most people have a “type”? We attract the same kind of people over and over again until we take a step back and consciously look at why we are creating the same circumstances over and over again.

When we look at the situation consciously; we take responsibility for our role in the breakdown of that relationship. Did I make my partner feel special, loved, safe and appreciated? Was my partner free to be him/herself with me? When I suspected he/she was cheating, did I turn a blind eye, just to keep the peace? When my partner treated me badly, did I speak up or just allow them to be disrespectful?

When we ask the tough questions; we are consciously taking the lessons and then we ask: “How can I do it differently the next time?”

Can I create better boundaries for myself in terms of what is acceptable and what is not for me? Can I learn to communicate my needs more effectively? Do I know how to create a space for both my partner and I to feel loved, appreciated, desired, inspired and supported? Can I learn the skills to resolve differences with loving kindness?

When we start asking the deeper questions, we evolve to higher states of being; experiencing life more fully, more intimately with unbridled joy and delicious happiness.

Kas Naidoo is a relationship coach and matchmaker on a mission to help people find and create deeply loving, joyful, sustainable relationships.

19 Jun 2017

What Real Men Want!

Men are not nearly as complicated as women when it comes to what they want in relationships. After interviewing hundreds of men to find out what men really want in a relationship; the answers are quite promising. Men of the past were very much like hunters. They knew what they wanted, chased after it, and once they got what they wanted, were content to be the provider and spend evenings on the couch, reading the paper or watching the telly. Now I may be over-simplifying, but you get the overall picture.

Men today have evolved somewhat. Not all, but most! There’s still the slouch, who doesn’t make much of an effort after he has won over the woman he desired. There’s also the jerk who is driven by his ego. His woman is his property. He is often concerned mostly about his own needs, demanding respect and can also become violent when he doesn’t get his way.

The 3rd category is the man most women seek but are not quite sure he actually exists. Good news Ladies, not only do they exist; they are everywhere! Real men! They are confident, independent, self-assured, kind and generous. They are loving, very respectful and are seeking women of quality. These are men who are seeking a deep connection with one woman. They want to share their lives with someone in a meaningful way. (Now if a man falls into category 1 or 2; ie. slouch or jerk; he will vehemently disagree…. beware!)

So what do real men want in a relationship? A real man has a lot to offer a woman and he wants to feel that his woman respects him. It might be the most important criteria to win his heart. He wants to know that you admire and appreciate him. When he takes you out to dinner to a really great restaurant; do you thank him and complement him on his choice? Or do you complain that the waiter was a bit too slow? Do you take it as your right to be treated to a fine meal or do you actually appreciate his efforts.

Do you respect who he is, what he believes and what he does for a living OR are you trying to change him into what you would like him to be? Now showing respect does not mean you have to gush false compliments. A real man will see right through that. A quality woman wants to be respected and recognized for who she is. So does a real man.

Only after he knows that he has your respect, do the other criteria come into play. He wants your support and your loyalty. He wants companionship. He also wants to be nurtured (not babied) and lastly but still vital on the list; he wants passion and excitement.

So when it comes down to basics real man wants what any of us desire. Relationships are about a mutual exchange of energy. We give and we take – both ways. That way both people feel supported, loved, respected and desired. Always ask yourself what you have to offer in a relationship and then ask for that in return – nothing more and nothing less.

Kas Naidoo is a Relationship Coach and Matchmaker.

Contact her on kasturi@telkomsa.net / 082 483 9625

23 May 2017

Divorce-Proof Your Relationship

Getting divorced is easy. You stand in front of a judge and quote “breakdown in communication” as your reason and the divorce is granted. What no one really tells you, is that the emotional trauma governs your future choices and actions for years to come.

Over the years I have seen my personal experience of divorce reflected back to me by hundreds of other divorcees. We look pretty well put together on the outside, but a deep fear of being hurt again leads us to relationships with emotionally unavailable people so we don’t really need to commit to them. The pain of loneliness is far more excruciating than we would ever let on. After all, society has trained us not to wear our hearts on our sleeves.

As a Relationship coach and matchmaker, I have interviewed over 800 people and I have seen a pattern of what works for couples who are happy together and what causes relationships to break down.

We are never taught the fundamentals of creating deep, loving, mutually uplifting relationships. We get to a certain age and feel the societal pressure to get married, buy a house and have a family. Falling in love is the easy part and from this intoxicated state, we make a decision to get married. People spend a small fortune on their weddings, but neglect to plan their marriage which they hope will last a lifetime.

The worldwide divorce rate is now 53%, with some countries as high as 70% and none of the people who got married anticipated that it would end. After all, the fairy tales all speak of happily ever after.

So how do you divorce-proof your relationship? If you were once lucky enough to find someone to love, who loves you back; it’s worth the time and energy to learn about creating deeply satisfying relationships.

If you’re in a happy relationship, never take it for granted. We all have the basic human needs of love, acceptance and acknowledgement. If you’re in a somewhat rocky relationship, are you prepared to do whatever it takes to take that relationship to a mutually beneficial place?

Some people, when faced with challenges in their own relationship, would choose to have an affair which is never the solution and only leads to hurt, disappointment and anger. The reason people have affairs, is to regain the “falling in love” phase. That dizzy sense of happiness, excitement and attraction. It makes us feel special, desirable, understood and adored.

So how do we create those same emotions with the person you are with? Can you possibly fall in love with that person again after all the arguments and disappointments that you’ve experienced? The answer is a resounding YES if you are willing to do the work.

When you meet someone for the first time that you feel an attraction to, you see the best in them. You acknowledge the good in them and you “give” them your unconditional love. When you give love the other person feels elated and returns your love. After marriage the giving shifts to expectation. Most of our expectations came from observing our parent’s marriage. “My mum cooked dinner every night, so I expect my wife to do the same”. “My dad was the provider so I expect my husband to do the same”, or some variation of that.

With expectations, each partner feels that they have to behave in a certain way to get approval and when the expectations are different from your personal set of beliefs on marriage, you begin to feel resentful. Where you were once receiving love, something is now being demanded of you. This is how power struggles begin and our ego always tells us that when there is a difference in opinion, I am right so you must be wrong.

If you want to divorce-proof your relationship, start by making little changes that will make phenomenal shifts for you both. For the next week, notice everything that is wonderful about your partner and acknowledge them for it. When you receive good energy, you generally want to give good energy back. So when you see the best in someone, they want to give you more of their best.

Gandhi said: “Be the change you want to see in the world.” So if you want love, can you be loving? If you want acceptance, can you start to accept your partner more unconditionally? If you desire to be appreciated, can you give gratitude for who your partner is and what they contribute to your life?

Often it’s the little things that move your relationship in a whole new direction. A special dinner; a massage after a long day; a hug when your partner’s feeling down or an unexpected compliment. Happy relationships don’t happen by chance, they are created by two people who desire it.

Kas Naidoo is a Relationship Coach and Matchmaker.